Super Bowl Sunday: What to watch for

Tom Brady goin for ring number 5.  Matt Ryan trying to join the One Ring club with Joe Flacco, Trent Dilfer, and Brad Johnson.  On one end you got all time ‘lunchpail/cerebral/mechanic’ Julian Edelman, who is a real ‘gym rat.’  On the other side you got Julio Jones who is half man half alien.  Not sure but I think Gronk is back?  Falcons Devonte Freeman has been releasing his bowels on defenses all year.  With so much talent and hype on the field, it is going to be easy to lose focus on…. WHAT TO WATCH FOR.

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Buck and Aikman (BAKEMAN) will be your colored commentators.  Even though they are white… NO UPROAR HERE THO!

  1. Goodell.  The commy bastard who is stealing a Raiders home game against the Pats and moving it to Mexico.  The guy who thinks the NFL is like the ACC and should have games EVERY THURSDAY!  How many times is this guy going to be on camera.  And how much money is he willing to pay for this game to be thrown.  If the Patriots win Goodell is going to go chain smoke cigs in his bathrobe (slightly parted) while staring at himself in his hotel mirror.  Just blasting Stevie Nicks while saying , “concussions aren’t real, concussions aren’t real” to himself.  Anyway, can’t wait to see what B.S. he pulls this Sunday.
  2. Adriana Lima.  Forget Gisele.  GIVE ME LIMA.  This fox is dating Julian Edelman so I assume she will be in attendance.  Good thing Brent Musberger isn’t announcing this game.  His pants would have ruptured by the second series from all the hot spouses in the stands.
  3. Lady GaGa.  Still have a hunch she is a dude or some sort of robot.  I don’t know that’s all I got.  Also curious as to if Bruno Mars and his band just rock back and forth for 15 minutes like last time.
  4. Commercials.  HA RIGHT GUYS?!  I want to see flesh.  Wether it is GoDaddy, Carl’s, or The GAP…give the people what they want.  The Super Bowl is the closest thing to the Purge in America.  Everyone eats whatever they want no matter how much blood is going to come out our south-mouths the next day.   Beer- No limit.  If you actually watch the Super Bowl, you didn’t drink enough.  I’m going to be out by 3 p.m.  Just going to go balls to the wall watching 14 hours of NFL Pregame shows where celebrities like John Bon Jovi and Nick Cannon pretend to know football and give predictions just so they can get some publicity again.  ANYWAY, other commercials I need are the E Trade baby, Terry Tate Office Linebacker, and a non-politically charged commercial.  That’d be great.
  5. Erin Andrews.  How many times will she say ‘guys’?  Over/Under is set at 7.5. Which brings me to my most highly anticipated ‘What to Watch For’…..
  6. PROP BETS.  Super Bowl prop bets are the best.  Like I said, this Sunday is America’s Purge, except with less murder. So much money just getting thrown around while Africa gets all the losing team shirts that we printed too early.  Here are some of this year’s prop bets in the Super Bowl.
    1. Odds on what color Gatorade will be poured on the winning coach:  ORANGE AND YOU KNOW IT

      Orange: 7/2
      Blue: 15/4
      Clear/Water: 4/1
      Purple: 6/1
      Yellow: 13/2
      None: 10/1

    2. O/U on the number of times the phrase “greatest of all-time” is said during the broadcast: 5.5 WAY OVER
    3. O/U commercials parodying Donald Trump: 1.5 I’m going to go with the under
    4. Odds Lady Gaga gets booed during the halftime show: 9/1 Definitely getting booed.  But how do you measure this?  Who is the official “Boo” referee?
    5. Who will Donald Trump pick to win the game? (Bovada) – YO TAKE THE PATS.  Trump and Brady are BFFs.
    6. Will “Houston, we have a problem” be said on TV during live broadcast? (Bovada) NOOOOOO
    7. Length of first reception by Chris Hogan O/U 11.5 yards. (Westgate) Under.  Im gonna say 9 yards.
    8. Will the opening kickoff result in a touchback?  (Bovada) Have to say this is highway robbery….Touchback’s all day.  Take the $ people.
      • Yes -200 (1/2)
      • No +160 (8/5)
    9. What will Luke Bryan be wearing when he starts singing the U.S. national anthem?   (Bovada) YOU KNOW LUKE BRYAN IS GOING TO BE WEARIN SOME DENIM FAM!
      • Blue Jeans 1/2
      • Any other pants or shorts 3/2

Enjoy Super Bowl Sunday everyone.  Make some money, lose some money, drink and celebrate being American.  Undefeated in Super Bowls.

 

Matty Ice Ryan in rare form

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