Written By Matty Goldberg (Edited & Posted by Andy Ruther since Matty doesn’t know how websites work)
This is the story of how I ruined my best friends wedding with the worst, most inappropriate speech. Lets go back twelve years to New York City. I just got a terrible job at an animal hospital, cleaning cages and delivering dog food. I was also starting stand-up comedy right before the internet changed the game. You had to promote yourself by being funny and shell out plenty of business cards.
To be funny and make a little side money, my card read:
MATTY GOLDBERG- COMEDIAN AND FREELANCE CAT GROOMER
My buddy Noah, actually believed I had cat grooming skills, and gave me a call. “I’m dating this new girl and she has these hairy cats. They need a shave. Are you down?”
I pretended like I knew what I was doing and headed over to Noah’s new ladies house and clipped some hair off of her cats. I did a shitty job but faked my way to getting paid twenty bucks. It was my first and last job as a freelance cat groomer.
As time went by, my friend Noah became closer and closer with the cat girl and they fell in love. I was invited to the wedding as a groomsman. At this time I just started dating this new girl and I wanted to impress her being the goofy, unpredictable, funny guy at the wedding. I knew I was delivering a speech and I really wanted it to be outrageous. Before the wedding started a few people from the bride’s side warned me that this wasn’t a comedy show. They wanted the speech to be short and not edgy.
But at the last minute Noah’s dad gave me the reassurance to do my thing, and not hold back.
As soon as the ceremony ended I hit the open bar and downed a few shots. I was in a weird mood because my date, who I really dug, was acting distant. I was feeling drunk, sad, and desperate. I felt best way to win her heart was to give the most insane, crazy, funny speech.
Problem was, I was five whiskey shots in.
After a couple of warm, sweet speeches, it was my turn. I walked up to the microphone completely sloshed. Before I could say anything, I felt the tension from the bride’s dad who was standing a few feet from me, waiting for me to say something stupid.
He even said, “As soon as he says something crazy, cut the sound.”
That didn’t phase me. I was still going to do my thing. Problem was I couldn’t open my eyes, and my speech was completely slurred.
“Lets have hand for Tracy, for having hot bridesmaids. Damn, you did good Tracy.”
This awful joke I started out with got a few chuckles, but I could now feel the bride’s dad breathing down my neck. He got closer to me and was staring me down. I could feel his angry breath waiting for one more dumb thing to say, so he could slug my drunk ass in the stomach.
Like a dumbass, I felt if I stuck with the game plan, this girl would fall in love with me. And so despite angry dad up my ass, I thought “fuck it, go for the gold.”
My next line would be the most humiliating moment of my life. With Whiskey, drunken breath, I muttered, “the first time I met Tracy was when she hired me to shave her pussy.”
There were no laughs. Just a few gasps of air from some shocked wedding guests. I then heard, “Get him off!!!”
My buddy Noah, looking pale and embarrassed, nicely said, “Goldberg, sit down and drink some water.”
I was ready to plug on but then the sound was cut off. Defeated and stunned, I quietly headed to my seat and did the most painful walk of shame ever.
When I sat down my date barely made eye contact with me. I knew I truly fucked up. For the rest of the night, I didn’t dance or socialize. I just sat in a comatose state of depression relishing in the fact that I just fucked up my best friend’s wedding.