Last night, Brock “Slim Jim” Osweiler recorded 131 yards on 22 completions… His counterpart (and equally as shitty of a QB) Trevor “Semen” Simian went 14-25 and 1 TD. YAWNNN. I went to bed after the first quarter last night. Boring game. Even as a Raiders fan who despises the Broncos I couldn’t make myself watch the cesspool of atrociousness that was MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL. Osweiler needs to get off the field, and retreat off into the Seattle wilderness with the rest of his vampire friends. Why is there such a shortage of above average NFL QB’s? You’re telling me Osweiler is worth 40+ million??
SICK TWILIGHT REFERENCE BRO
CLEVELAND “I”-WORDS VS THE CHICAGO CUBS
The World Series is tonight. I was hoping for a Cubs vs Indians World Series just because of how wacky that sounds. Thats basically the MLB equivalent of a Browns vs Buccaneers Super Bowl. I’m sick of the Cubs already. Indians by 1,000. To sum up how I feel about Cubs fans I will give you the ‘Mad Scientist’ and Air-Raid Mastermind, Mike Leach.
There’s some teams — the Cubs are one of them — where there’s just too many Cubs fans. They’re one of those teams that, for whatever reason — I guess it’s cause people like the way their uniforms look or something — every yuppie with a BMW or some special attachment to its computer or some designer set of jeans or something like that is a Cubs fan, and refers to it as ‘my Cubbies.’
If you say ‘my’ in front of your team, well, then that’s dubious, OK? You know, ‘my this, my that.’ Come on, now. And so you get ‘my Cubbies.’ You don’t get ‘my Indians.’ You get ‘my Cubbies,’ OK?
And I think there’s just too many out-of-the-woodwork people that like ‘em that just like ‘em cause they like the uniforms, don’t know the first thing about baseball, probably have never even attended a Cubs game, but that’s just gonna be their team since they have something to talk about over the copy machine and the cooler.
So as a result, you know, going against the whole wave of probably seven-eighths of America, I want the Indians. Me and the city of Cleveland.
Cleveland in 5. Please for the love of God. Shoutout to Frank ‘The Tank’ Kaminsky on trolling the cubs last week with the Steve Bartman Jersey. Where is Bartman today? I’m saying he either put on 100 lbs. and changed his name, or joined a gang.
SIDENOTE: My mother came into town last weekend and we had a great time. However, whilst driving I thought I would play the latest DirtySports podcast. It happened to be the episode where gangbangs were discussed with immense detail. We made it about 45 minutes into the podcast before I popped on some Little River Band.
RAIDERS SO HOT RIGHT NOW
And of course, I gotta talk about the Raiders. Another dominant performance by Michael “catch everything except crabs” Crabtree who, as of right now, is a top 5 WR in the NFL. Right before half, Crabtree scored a TD and literally touched his shoulder. FLAG!!!! Refs said he was doing the “throat-slit” action. Awesome side of this story, is Crab was paying homage to Kenny Powers’ getting his pitch back in HBO’s Eastbound and Down.
‘Hollywood’ Jack Del Rio told ESPN, “Many assumed Crabtree made a throat-slash movement. Del Rio, though, saw it differently. He saw Crabtree doing what the fictional Powers did in the HBO comedy series “Eastbound & Down” when the former big league pitcher hit 101 mph on the radar gun.
“I mean, I’m serious,” Del Rio said. “That gesture is what he was doing.”
BTW- My evolution as a blogger is nearly complete. I have discovered how to properly insert ‘GIF’s’. Hold on to yo children! (Not sure if that’s a saying but it is now)
I want Crab to do this next time though.
I would like to point out that I was 3 for 5 on my bets for last week. For those of you who lack wits in the math world, thats a .600 average.