Everyone has had that discussion. “If you could be any professional athlete who would you be?” Most people say Tom Brady because of his good looks, UGG sponsorship, oh and his wife is ok. Lebron James is also a common answer because he is an alien who can fly and murder people with gravity-defying dunks. An under-used answer is Jordan Spieth. I mean come on. The dude will never suffer an ACL tear or break his leg (Still thinking about Derek) and his girlfriend (who he probably cheats on) is a solid 9 on the Girls I would like to hug and talk about books and stuff scale.
But one thing we don’t discuss, is what athlete would you NOT want to be. Think about it. How bad must you dislike a professional athlete to not want to trade places with this multi-millionaire? Either they are ugly, have an STD, play for the Browns, or are a star WNBA point guard. Without further ado, here is my top 5 most undesirable athletes.
#5 Chris Kaman– NBA Journeyman
Lifetime avg. of 11 points, 7 rebounds, 1 assist. To be in this man’s body I would at least need that state line to double. I could work with that then. Maybe make a nice “hip” man-bun out of those noodles on his head, get a full sleeve tattoo. Basically a white Jeremy Lin/Chris Anderson combo.
#4 Pete Weber – Kingpin
I love this picture so much. Despite the fire shades fam, this guy is the worst. He literally walks around under the impression that he is the Tom Brady of bowling and that bowling is an actual sport and that he is an actual athlete. Definitely drives a Chrysler convertible with rims. Person: “So what do you do for a living?” Pete: “You know that shit that comes on ESPN on Sunday’s after NFL Countdown?” Person: “Drag racing?” Pete: “No the other extreme sport.” Person: “X Games is on Sunday?”
#3 Ian Poulter- DOUCHE
He’s an alleged terrible tipper, dresses like an ass, tries to get fans who don’t like him fired, and brags about his car collection. Makes millions and millions of dollars, still wouldn’t want to be him. John Daly would whoop his ass so hard all while smoking a stogie and losing $350,000 on an NBA parlay.
REEEEEEEEEEAAAAAALLLL ORIGINAL IAN. Bet you didn’t win that fedex cup though fam. #YesLimits
#2 Aqib Talib– DOUCCCCHEEEEEEE
Am I a little mad he ripped off Michael Crabtree’s Swag Chain?? Yes. Does he play for the douchiest team in the AFC? Yes. Am I biased? Absolutely not. I would rather be the sound guy in the background with the shiny head holding the sound thingy. He definitely has intimate relations with females above the age of consent.
#1 Gilbert Arenas- Makes Kanye West look sane
First off, very true quote. Kind of want to post it to my Myspace or make a Hallmark card. Second off, this guy has gone off the deep end. It is no surprise he just sold his house in Calabasas for $3.5 million. Last year, his $111 million dollar deal he signed with the Wizards finally got fully paid out to him. Yet, he won’t pay child support, and said he doesn’t have enough money to keep his kids in private school. (Thats what public school is for.) Oh and the whole gun incident. He is begging to stay in the spotlight by breaking into Nick Young’s house and videoing it all on snapchat. Dude, you were on the cover of NBA Live and thats where you peaked. Little rant here but I dislike terrible human beings like Arenas and Talib.